Swing an episode..


Clinical depression is very hard to make people understand sometimes. Anyone that suffers from it knows exactly where I’m going. Having to explain that it isn’t “being sad”. That you have no control over what I call “episodes”. I have learned to manage them to a certain degree. During these phases I am especially keen on emotional triggers that can intensify that feeling of dread and emptiness. I find that certain distractions can help. Walks and fresh air help to some degree. I go through this mantra where I repeat in my head that what I am experiencing is not emotion but a reaction to chemical stimuli. That distinction helps me to make it to the other side. It is not foolproof. There are times when I become overwhelmed and I have to let go. It is frightening because I don’t want to get to a place where I want to hurt myself. I’ve been there. Once a very long time ago, I tried to end my life but luckily I was too stupid and just ended up very sick. I have to be conscious of the paths my mind can take. For me it helps to stay present but distracted. Weed helps but I have to be very selective on what I’m smoking. For those of you that don’t know this, not all weed is the same. Some can actually trigger depression. You have to know your body if you’re using weed as therapy. This is why I feel it is imperative that we legalize and make weed available to everyone so that they can educate and identify the strains that are best for them. Orgasms help. They release endorphins that help counteract your imbalance. This is a tough one though. It’s hard to get in the mood for sex or masturbate when you feel like there’s a hole in your soul.

Why am I going on about this? Well, yesterday I was posting some old videos on Instagram that I was unable to publish because of their new copyright policy. I found out that if you just sign that you are not in violation, then they will repost. I’m not trying to profit and I give credit to the artist in my tags so I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Anyway, I found this video I put together when I was feeling particularly emo over missing people that I have lost in my life. I decided to publish it but I was in the beginning phase of an episode and that shit hit me hard. I deleted it but I was triggered and I knew I was in trouble if I couldn’t clear my mind. I decided to knock myself out with a couple of glasses of wine (this is dangerous by the way). I have a low threshold so I knew it wouldn’t take much to get me drowsy. I managed after a few hours to go to sleep but I had fucked up dreams and woke up having slept with my bracelet on. I had my hand under my face and the metal had been pressing on the bone surrounding my eye socket. I was like wtf. That shit hurt. I was still feeling out of it. I tried to front it off but it wasn’t working. I should have taken the day off but I decided to work anyway. Bad move. Plus I was kinda fucked up to people that I care about so that wasn’t helpful either. It’s taken me a whole 24 hours to get where I am now where it’s manageable. I just wanted to share with the hopes that someone else out there might benefit from knowing they are not alone and maybe, just maybe it will strengthen their resolve.

So in the spirit of happy thoughts and appreciation, I have this little video I found that I have posted before..somewhere. It’s a mini tribute to some of my Tweeps that are dear to me.

Horatio’s Philosophy


Hi gang.

It’s been crazy as usual. Trying to prepare myself for this blizzard. That’s what I get for thinking Winter was over. Technically we still have another week, so I guess it’s going out with a bang.

A few things are happening. The most important is that I’m going to be using this site full time now. The company hosting my current site, Flavors.me, is going out of business. Can’t say that I’m surprised as their service sucked. The configuration options were pretty rudimentary and there were a lot of times when my content was stale. I complained quite a bit about that. I did the best that I could with it. I got some traffic but I never really got into developing it like I’d anticipated. Actually the same can be said of this site but that was more due to being busy, lazy or non-committed. That is about to change. I dunno though..do people really consume blogs like they used to? Seems to me everyone is into micro-blogging, ie Twitter these days. People are so used to instant gratification. No one seems to savor anything anymore. It’s all gimme gimme next!

I often wonder how the changes in social media and interaction affect the ability of people to be social. The allure of anonymity, the rapid spread of apathetic callous behavior has resulted in a dissonant fractured society in my opinion. People are forgetting how to be people. While social issues are given more awareness, the connections between us are becoming more fragile and less appealing. People are withdrawing into themselves.

The other day, I was going out to the store. I was looking for a jacket to wear that didn’t make me look as fat as I’ve become. I tossed on a few and decided to go with my trusty hoodie. After I’d driven a block and crossed the light, I realized that I didn’t have my phone. I’d left it in one of the jackets I’d tried on. For a moment I thought I should head back but then I questioned myself as to why. I was only going to the store. Why would I need my phone? That got me to thinking about how addicted I’d become. It was as if something was missing. Like I’d left without a part of me. As I processed that thought I suddenly realized that I was more in tune with what was going on around me. It was a very strange feeling. Almost like reliving the past. This, I said to myself, is how I used to be. This is me. Holy shit, who have I become? It was an epiphany but a short lived one. As soon as I got home, I was right back to being attached to it, having to respond to texts that I’d missed from an in progress conversation and explaining my lapse.

Another thing that I noticed is that people don’t call each other anymore. What ever happened to the good old conversation? I’m a yapper by nature. Talking is what I do best. Texting, not so good. It loses the nuance. I fucking miss nuance. Text very often gets misinterpreted and I spend a lot of time explaining what I mean by what I’m saying. It very often leads to misunderstandings that I would rather not have to navigate.

Anyway, I just thought I’d let those of you that suffer through my posts that I will be relocating my primary site here. That means you will be hearing and seeing much more of me from now on. In that spirit I am so grateful for your interest and I hope there will be beautiful partnerships as a result.

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Are we there yet?


2016 will go down as the year of WTF. Seriously, WTF 2016? I know you’re probably as tired as I am talking about the election but it’s just that incredible. It’s got me literally walking around looking at people asking myself, are you high? We have no choice but to let it play itself out at this point. I’m embarrassed to tell the rest of the world I’m an American right now.

In any case, I hope all is well with you. I wasn’t quite done with the summer yet but fall is upon us now. It’s a favorite time of year for me because of the colors of the foliage. It’s a shame it only lasts for a few weeks. I am not looking forward to winter.

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This was from a week or two ago. The leaves are almost all down now. When the weather is nice it’s really peaceful back here. I have so much work to do for next year. I want to plant some more flowers. I read this article about the disappearing bee population. It turns out that we have been responsible for this (as usual). Bees need a variety of flora. That is how they feed and take care of themselves. We have gotten so into grassy yards, we have practically eliminated all the native species of plants that they thrive on. My goal is to re-populate my yard with many varieties of flowers and things like clover. I’m already the person with the most trees on their property. Most of my neighbors have cleared most of their plots. I don’t get why people don’t realize that trees are vital to our survival and to the ecosystem.

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The down side to having all these trees is the leaf clean up. I’ve already hurt my back from being too aggressive cleaning them up. I sit on my ass way too many hours of the day and I over compensate trying to get exercise by doing yard work. It can be a hassle but it invigorates me.

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I was in the city a few weeks ago on the East Side. I was standing on this corner and for some reason a flood of memories overcame me from all my years I spent growing up there. Just so much of my life was here and now I feel like a tourist. It’s been 17 years since I left NY. A lot has changed. It’s kinda weird going there now because it’s like I know where I am but everything has changed. You don’t really appreciate it while you’re there. It’s gradual and subtle but continuous. It’s not until you’re away for a long time that you really see how different it is. What’s always fascinated me is that there are millions of people here but everyone walks past each other in silence. People only interact if forced to.

When you think about all the politics and bullshit going on in the world, it’s like none of it applies to real life on the street. It’s always been and always will be about people going on about their daily lives. A lot of the shit we go through as a society is the work of a very few people. People generally just want to live in peace.

So I’ve been very touched by the level of appreciation I have been getting across the board for my works. People are enjoying my photos and music. This is very special for me. It feels like I am connecting on another level with people. Being able to express yourself is amazing. I strongly encourage you to do the same regardless of what you feel people may think. Expressing yourself brings you closer to yourself. It forces you to ask the question of who you really are.

I decided to organize some of my music by type. It’s kinda difficult since my mission was to blur the lines between genres, so I decided to break them into groups based on the moods I feel they represent. I’m hoping it will allow people to sample more of my music that they may like. To that end,  here’s some stuff i collected I hope you will enjoy. Try listening with headphones for the best experience.

Recap of the recap


LOL. This title because it reminds me of someone I work with that excessively paranoid about what we are expected to say in future meetings. He feels we need to have prep meetings for meetings then recaps of meetings, hence a recap of the recap.

It’s been a while since my last post. I think maybe I’ll stop saying that because that tends to be the case most of the time. So, what’s going on? Since my last post I have completely abandoned my efforts to maintain a vegetarian lifestyle. As expected, the results have not been good. I’ve put on weight again and I feel like shit. This is compounded by the fact that I fell in the shower a few weeks ago and busted my ass. My back is destroyed. I can’t walk longer than 10 minutes at a time without having to sit down. I am working on this it’s not going as smoothly as I would have anticipated. For exercise, i’ve been taking daily walks in the park which brings me too my current situation. I took a few days off from work and I’ve been spending some of that time just relaxing and enjoying being home. Right now I am in Princeton sitting in front of Schiede Caldwell House (don’t ask), people watching. It’s a fairly overcast day. It looks like it may rain but apparently there’s no rain in the forecast. It being early fall I came down here to see if I could get some pictures. There are some really beautiful side streets that have canopies of trees over them. It’s a little early so I have to come back later.

Random thoughts Pt1 #Video #Life #VideoOfTheDay #Princeton #NewJersey #Random

A post shared by THΣ HΔRGΣTT PRΩJΣCT (@thp_pix) on

I have a few things that I want to get off my chest as it may be. The first of which has to do with politics. My political position would be labeled as liberal I guess. I don’t do groups. I feel for any given problem you need to attack it based on independent non-biased thought, not an agenda formed by other peoples opinions. I don’t like labels because no one remains the same from day today and it’s illogical to form summary opinions about people.

My issue is with Donald Trump. Not the fact that he represents a given political view, it is because I don’t even think he should be in the conversation. He’s completely unqualified. You don’t have to go far to find any number of reasons why that is the case. I’m from New York originally , so I’m familiar with his bullshit whereas as people cross the country may only know him by name and the Trump brand. That guy is such a loser. I’m not saying this because of his political affiliation, I’m saying it because it’s true. The sad thing is that people are allowing that group mentality to override their sense of logic. What’s weird is that at the beginning of the campaigns, no one took him seriously, not even his own party, but as time passed, that slowly became irrelevant. I may have serious disagreements with some of the other candidates, but I would consider most of them more competent to be a president than this guy (except for Michelle Bachmann..she’s a bona fide nut case). It seems to me also that the Republican Party is attracting a lot of nut jobs. That’s got nothing to do with their political views, it’s just an observation. Some of their opinions are not based on reality or logic.

In any case, the recent release of audio tapes in which Mr. Trump is having a conversation about fondling women in which she describes it as the locker room talk is blowing my mind. Not necessarily that he has said these things, but the fact that people are so brainwashed by political ideology that they’re willing to look the other way.  Truth: Men discuss how they are attracted to women. They may even have conversations about their physical features, but insinuating that because of your notoriety, you can physically abuse them without consequence and bragging about it, is a whole ‘nother ball of wax. People are making it out to be harmless guy talk. That’s not even the case. There’s guy talk and there is a sexual predator talk and I feel that is exactly what was going on. Since the release of that audio other women have come forward. Of course, they are going to be subject to skepticism because of the timing. It’s unfortunate on many fronts because it takes away from the focus that needs to be on the issues facing our country and the direction we want to take it. It’s unsettling that people are willing to look the other way simply because they are trying to win an election.

Kap

As you may know, Colin Kaepernick, a QB for the San Francisco 49ers,  is staging an ongoing silent protest by kneeling when the national anthem is played before each game. He is protesting the unfair treatment of Blacks by the police across this country.The problem is that people have a strong objection to his tactic and are extremely vocal about it but no one is focusing on the reason for the protest. Some of that is by ignorance but some of that is by design. By design I mean there is a concerted effort to suppress awareness and tame reaction to the brutality being inflicted on people of color across America. Instead the focus is placed on Colin and labeled disrespectful or unpatriotic. I thought America stood for freedom of expression but I guess that right doesn’t extend to people of color. I have yet to see the people that have an issue with the protest address the topic of police brutality for what it is. In other circles the whole idea of protesting against the police is colored as no respect for the law. Protesting police brutality is the very definition of support for the law.

In other news

I have been trying out new DAWs to replace Sony Acid Pro. I’ve had limited success. Either they were too complicated, ugly or just not as intuitive so for now I’m back.

I put together a few tracks that I hope you will enjoy

The lyrics of this song came from a conversation I was having with a friend that said Dennis Edwards voice reminded them of me. (massive compliment thank you). As always, this track is a tribute to artists that are very influential to my life…Jimi Hendrix and Herbie Hancock.

Eyes wide shut


Disclaimer: The following may cause disorientation, vertigo and/or slight panic. If you currently suffer from any of these symptoms for any medical or psychological reasons, do not continue. 

What I am about to show you can have an impact ranging from mild curiosity to altering the way you view reality. 

The first thing I can guarantee is that even after reading the disclaimer, none of you will have stopped reading. Your curiosity won’t let you. Right now even if you wanted to, you couldn’t stop reading this sentence. You’re hearing these words in your mind as you read them and at the same time, anxiety and tension is starting to build up over finding out what the hell I’m talking about. 

Okay, now that I have your attention, let’s continue…

Follow these instructions very carefully!

Close one of your eyes and continue to read until otherwise instructed.

As you read this sentence I want you to focus on everything you can see without looking away. Just stare at this line for a moment. Now without moving your head, look around and analyze everything that you can see with that one eye. 

Okay, now switch eyes and repeat the same process. Become very aware of everything that you can see without turning your head.

 Are you feeling anxious yet?

Of course not you’re probably annoyed thinking this is bullshit, what has this guy got me doing? Trust me just follow these instructions and you’ll understand. 

Now, open both your eyes. 

Blink a few times. 

I want you to answer this simple math question, what is 2+2?

I’ll give you a second. I know you’re probably thinking this some kind of trick to this, but there isn’t. 

The answer is of course 4.

Now remember when you were reading this with one eye and you could see your nose? Where is it?

It’s still there. But you have blocked it out. As you’re reading this you’re becoming aware of it and it’s starting to interfere with your reading. But you will soon notice that you can control it. It may be a little disorienting at first. 

You do this all the time without realizing it. 

This doesn’t just happen with your eyes, it happens with your entire body. Where is your foot? Your elbow? Your ear? 

 Your brain is actually aware of everything that’s happening around you at all times , but you control what you want to process in more detail. 

 Think about this for a while, and as you’re thinking I want you to start to become more aware of what’s around you. Practice this everyday and you will start to soon realize that you have been walking through life with your eyes and mind half open. 

Pass this on to a friend. 

A Lesson Learned


So, yesterday I went to South River Walk Park, one of my favorite places, to do some shooting. It was a particularly cloudy which can make for awesome sunsets. I took a few shots of my surroundings, as I always do, and proceeded to get in the car. I was approached by this young Hispanic kid. He was tapping on the window, so I rolled it down a bit to see what he wanted. He asked me what I was filming and why was I taking pictures of him. So I told him I wasn’t, just taking landscape shots and that I never take pictures of peoples faces unless I ask. He was insistent that I had taken his picture. As we talked, his friend came over. I didn’t feel particularly threatened but cautious. This kid didn’t look like he could take a punch and seemed to be obsessed over having his photo taken. He walked to the front and started taking pictures of my plates saying he was gonna call the cops. So I got annoyed and got out of the car to show him the pictures, which I did. He wasn’t satisfied that I hadn’t switched cards and at this point I was done being nice. I realized that I had turned my back on the other guy and I turned around to see where he was. He was nowhere to be seen. So I get in the car and I realized that my phone was gone. I corned the other guy with the car and asked him where his friend was. He of course claimed he didn’t know anything. At this point I sized up the situation. I don’t know where his friend is..I could beat him to a pulp but he doesn’t have anything. I could grab him but I had no phone to call for help, so I went to the next corner and flagged down a guy to use his phone. Mind you, on the way there, I passed 3 patrol vans right around the corner, so says I, they shouldn’t take long to get here. WRONG. I stood there for another 30 mins then it started raining, so I get in the car. A police van, went right past me so I tried flashing them but they kept going. So, I left.

This park is in Trenton at the edge of a cemetery and a few modern condos BUT up the block, the neighborhood changes character. It’s the hood. Very dilapidated..lot’s of poverty and crime, so you can’t just Sally around. And here I am driving the jag as the sun sets like come take it. So my plan was to go home, switch cars, get my iPad to locate it and take my equalizer with me..along with a hammer. During all this, I made phone calls to ATT and a buddy of mine, by accident actually, but it was a good thing. He talked me down. I went this morning to the last known location and sitting there made me realize that this was an act of futility. I went to the police station to file a claim (tried that last night but they never called back).

So what did I learn?
The police are pathetic. When I was at the station the desk officer didn’t even have a form to file the complaint. She tore a sheet of paper to get my info. Let that soak in..a piece of ripped paper.

That part of Trenton is wow. If I didn’t grow up in the hood, there’s no way I would even get out of my car around there.

It’s not worth it. I could have killed either of them, or been killed over a phone.

A hammer is the weapon of choice for people that go after phone thieves. (I discovered this in my Google search of these incidents)

I’ve gotten better with my temper.

Trying to use a Blackberry as a navigator is not the move if you’re driving through really bad neighborhoods

Get insurance..(I thought I had but no)

Photography can be hazardous

Fatal Attractions


I’m posting this as a result of a tweet someone posted about women. She stated that if a woman is still calling and texting your man, that he is still talking to her. That’s not always the case. There are some women that will do anything to ruin your relationship if they can’t have you. This may apply to men as well. If you have any stories about men, I would be glad to hear them but I will explain to you what happened to me.
Admittedly at this time I had a girlfriend and we were thinking about getting serious but I’d met someone else. It was brief and mostly physical but I was pretty upfront with her about what to expect in this relationship. She was okay with it. After a time I felt that it was an unnecessary distraction and needed to stop so I told her that I didn’t want to see her anymore. She was upset to say the least. We were standing on 34th St in New York City. She started crying hysterically and without warning, ran out into traffic and collapsed in the middle of the street. I don’t know if you know what 34th St. in Manhattan is like, but it is extremely busy. She almost caused one of the biggest accidents I’ve ever seen. I had to drag her out of the street and tried to get her to get herself together. She was inconsolable. I walked her to the Path train, for her to go home and she threatened to jump on the tracks. Realizing that she was serious I stayed with her and rode with her to her station. I spent some time talking to her trying to get her to calm down. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to go. As I tried to go through the turnstile, she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. There were police officers standing right there. They thought this was hilarious and did nothing. This tug-of-war continued until the train arrived. When the doors opened I got on the train she was still holding on to me. Realizing I had to do this, I pushed her away from me as the doors closed. In doing so she ripped open my shirt. I went to sit down and as I was digesting what had just happened to me, a group of religious people came and stood over me and started praying over me. It was surreal to say the least. The next day at work, I got a call from her brother. He told me that she took sleeping pills and tried to kill herself. He threatened my life and hung up. I felt terrible but she was still alive and I considered it a lesson well learned. My focus was on cementing my relationship with my girlfriend and moving on. Realizing that no good would come from hiding any of this, I sat down with my girlfriend and explain to her what I had done. She was understandably upset but I assured her it was over and I would like to move on if she would be okay with that. She was not exactly enthusiastic. I realized that I needed to reset the clock and so I planned a romantic trip for the two of us. I booked a flight to Hawaii and we went for a week. It was a beautiful experience and she had let it all go and we were back in the zone again.
When we returned back to my apartment, I opened the door and the phone rang. I had luggage in my hand so I told my girlfriend to pick up the phone. She turned really pale and said this is for you. I’d never seen her face like that so I knew it was something serious (she was light-skinned Cuban by the way). I took the phone from her and it was the girl that I had broken up with. What was so odd about that was she didn’t have that phone number. It turns out that while I was on vacation, she called my job, which she did have the number to, and convinced one of my coworkers that she was a relative from out-of-town and she was at the airport and needed to get in touch with me because she had lost my phone number. So, here I am standing in front of my girlfriend who I just spent thousands of dollars getting back in my corner, glaring at me with this look of disgust. So I told the girl that this was not acceptable and that she should never call there again and hung up. My girlfriend was beyond pissed. As I’m trying to reassure her that I did not give this girl my phone number and that I was no longer involved with her, the phone rang again. It was her, I picked it up and told her stop calling me and hung up again. It rang again. And again.
My girlfriend, being completely furious at this point, answered the phone and cursed her out. It was a very hostile exchange to say the least. She slammed down the phone and the girl called again. She kept calling and I would pick up the phone and hang it up. I think I lost count around 35 at which point I just unplugged the phone from the wall. My girlfriend did not believe that I was being sincere with her. Needless to say things were not all that cool. The girl continued to call my job when I was at work until my boss told me that I needed to deal with this situation or lose my job. I told her that it was threatening to call the police and I think that kind of scared her little bit because she stopped calling. I worked nights at the time, from midnight to 8 AM. One day after work I was approaching my building only to find that this girl was sitting on my steps. I was livid. She said that she wanted to confront my girlfriend and tell her that she had to go. So we got into a heated argument and as I was trying to get her to leave, she it me on my arm. I have the scar today to prove it. I pushed her away and I told her that I was going to call the police and went upstairs. I did exactly that but when they got there she was gone. My girlfriend never recovered from that and we broke up. So I wanted to share this because I feel sorry for any guy that ends up in a similar situation. As men, we always accused of being dogs but not all of us are like that. I was wrong for even starting that relationship but I tried to do the right thing by ending it before committing myself to my girlfriend. I’m not trying to justify any of that. It was wrong. My advice is never to do that at all but I felt it was important to share the story so that others would be aware that there are women who will go to any links to destroy your happiness if they can’t have you.