Man crushed


I was laying on the couch listening to some old Stevie Wonder songs and today being Monday, a lot of folks participate in this social media theme #MCM or Man Crush Monday. (No luck on that front this way haha) But the combination had me reflecting back asking myself who were my crushes? My mind took me back to an incident that I totally buried until today that I will share.
When I was in high school, there was this girl named Crystal. She was in the music department. I believe she played the clarinet. Anyway, Crystal wasn’t the girl you’d notice at first glance, She wasn’t doe-eyed exotic or voluptuous..the types I’d usually pine for at that age, but she was average I’d say. As a matter of fact, we talked for a while before one day we were having a convo and I took the time to really check her out. She had the most perfect complexion I’d ever seen..milk chocolaty and buttery smooth. There was something about her full lips that just drew me in. I could literally hear myself saying to myself, ah man she’s beautiful. I realized that I was staring and so did she, to the point where she said, Why are you looking at me like that? Is something wrong? To which I replied, no there’s nothing wrong. I just like what I see. Mind you..this was way bold for me. I didn’t even have the time to check myself before the words just came out of my mouth. She just looked at me with this look of incredulity, like are you serious?

A little background is needed here. I was very popular in high school, but exceptionally insecure. I would joke around a lot as a means of deflection and to channel my anxiety at being the center of attention. A lot of girls found me attractive but I hated myself because of negative images put in my head about the typical black man’s features over the years. Whenever anyone would compliment me or say anything about my looks, I would get totally fucked up awkward. I convinced myself they were just saying that out of pity. So that’s why for me to say something like that to someone’s face was way way out of character. She laughed it off but her friend, Evelyn (yes, I’m calling you out too) was like, you go girl! So now we were both miserably embarrassed and changed the subject. It wouldn’t end there though.
Not too much longer after that, one day Crystal comes to tell me that she’s leaving PA (Performing Arts) and going to another school. I was fucking crushed. It was like my heart beat one big thump and then my soul left my body. I can remember us standing there in mutual disbelief of the power of that moment looking at each other in the hallway. I felt betrayed in some way. We weren’t dating or anything but it felt to me like abandonment. I struggled with those feelings for a bit and then I finally got the nerve to ask for her phone number. You see, I could tell that she liked me but was unsure how far to let it go. There were many rumors about me with girls, a lot was just talk. I had admirers but at that time, but nothing was happening with anyone else.
I can’t recall how long it was after that this situation I’m about to describe occurred. It was summer like.
I’d called and made arrangements to come by her house. I remember begging because she was very reluctant to have me over. She was fighting the feeling, I said to myself, and that’s not going to stand in my way. So off I went.
She lived in Harlem, in a housing development. I remember being intimidated that I was heading into another hood that I’d heard so many bad things about. It turned out to be nothing but hype. When I got to her place, I was greeted by her father. He was a huge individual. When he shook my hand, his hand covered my whole hand and part of my wrist. I was like wow, there is NO way I’m gonna go ANYTHING to piss this guy off. I bet if he slapped me, my sneakers would’ve come off. He was on his way to work, so we just exchanged pleasantries and he went out. Her mother was there doing something..not sure, but she was in the kitchen. Crystal was in the process of doing something with her hair. I think they were going out somewhere later, but she her hair was wet and she had a towel covering her head. She invited me into her room to talk, which I was very nervous about but went anyway. She excused herself and then came back in a tee shirt with that towel on her head. She might as well have been an Egyptian goddess. She was talking to me and I got caught again. She said, Darrell what? I’m like what what? She’s said, Why are you staring at me like that? Are you staring at my boobs? Which by the way were extremely visible and her nipples were like doorbell buttons waiting to be rung. At first I tried to restrain my mouth but I was again, caught up in the moment and just said I find you to be irresistible. She was like, stop being so damn cute and came to hug me. Then it happened. We looked at each other and I went in for the kill. I don’t know how long it was but I was completely taken away by how good this kiss felt. I’d never kissed anyone with lips as full as mine but it was incredible. She was enjoying it too. So much so that neither of us heard her mother open the door. All I heard was, Crystal..when you’re done, I want to speak with you, and she closed the door. We were like OMG! OMG! OMG! I immediately started apologizing. I was in a panic. How could I fuck this up so bad on the first move?? Her father is going to destroy me. I have to move to Canada.
It wasn’t over just yet.
She walked out, closing me in her room to confront her mother. I was sitting on her bed in total shock. I could hear them arguing. All I could make out was, get him out of my house. Needing no cue, I got myself together and started to head out. I stepped out, said to her mother, I apologize. I was wrong. I’ve disrespected your home. it was all me. I meant no harm but I will go. Crystal then did the totally unexpected. She said, No..you’re my company. You leave when I say it’s ok to leave. I’m like no no she didn’t..no she did not just nuke her mom in front of me. Realizing that a save was seriously needed in that awkward moment that followed, I said, no..You’re mother is right. I have to go and I headed towards the door, with as much intention as to end this disaster and to save my own life. Crystal then grabs me and says, “You’re not leaving without me”. I felt like I was in a bad dream that would eventually end with me getting shot at this point. Her mother roared back, “You’re not going anywhere”. To which Crystal replied, “Watch me” and proceeded to get her keys and a jacket. I was dumbfounded at this point. I’d never ever ever seen a black girl speak to her mother like that and live. She got her stuff and walked me back to the train station. We talked for a bit. I was so concerned about what was going to happen to Crystal that I would have done anything to make it better. She assured me she’d deal and thanked me for coming. I then said the magic words..I love you. She grabbed my mouth and said, “Don’t say that! Just don’t! Ok??” I was completely lost. She just kissed me and walked away. I called her later and she said she would explain. She agreed to have me come to her new school. There was a show that she was in. So I went.
It was there as we sat in the auditorium that she told me she had a boyfriend, but she liked me as a friend. No sooner than the words came out of her mouth did he show up asking her Is everything ok? She dismissively introduced me as her friend from the other school and he went on. That train ride home was one of the longest of my life..

Fatal Attractions


I’m posting this as a result of a tweet someone posted about women. She stated that if a woman is still calling and texting your man, that he is still talking to her. That’s not always the case. There are some women that will do anything to ruin your relationship if they can’t have you. This may apply to men as well. If you have any stories about men, I would be glad to hear them but I will explain to you what happened to me.
Admittedly at this time I had a girlfriend and we were thinking about getting serious but I’d met someone else. It was brief and mostly physical but I was pretty upfront with her about what to expect in this relationship. She was okay with it. After a time I felt that it was an unnecessary distraction and needed to stop so I told her that I didn’t want to see her anymore. She was upset to say the least. We were standing on 34th St in New York City. She started crying hysterically and without warning, ran out into traffic and collapsed in the middle of the street. I don’t know if you know what 34th St. in Manhattan is like, but it is extremely busy. She almost caused one of the biggest accidents I’ve ever seen. I had to drag her out of the street and tried to get her to get herself together. She was inconsolable. I walked her to the Path train, for her to go home and she threatened to jump on the tracks. Realizing that she was serious I stayed with her and rode with her to her station. I spent some time talking to her trying to get her to calm down. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to go. As I tried to go through the turnstile, she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. There were police officers standing right there. They thought this was hilarious and did nothing. This tug-of-war continued until the train arrived. When the doors opened I got on the train she was still holding on to me. Realizing I had to do this, I pushed her away from me as the doors closed. In doing so she ripped open my shirt. I went to sit down and as I was digesting what had just happened to me, a group of religious people came and stood over me and started praying over me. It was surreal to say the least. The next day at work, I got a call from her brother. He told me that she took sleeping pills and tried to kill herself. He threatened my life and hung up. I felt terrible but she was still alive and I considered it a lesson well learned. My focus was on cementing my relationship with my girlfriend and moving on. Realizing that no good would come from hiding any of this, I sat down with my girlfriend and explain to her what I had done. She was understandably upset but I assured her it was over and I would like to move on if she would be okay with that. She was not exactly enthusiastic. I realized that I needed to reset the clock and so I planned a romantic trip for the two of us. I booked a flight to Hawaii and we went for a week. It was a beautiful experience and she had let it all go and we were back in the zone again.
When we returned back to my apartment, I opened the door and the phone rang. I had luggage in my hand so I told my girlfriend to pick up the phone. She turned really pale and said this is for you. I’d never seen her face like that so I knew it was something serious (she was light-skinned Cuban by the way). I took the phone from her and it was the girl that I had broken up with. What was so odd about that was she didn’t have that phone number. It turns out that while I was on vacation, she called my job, which she did have the number to, and convinced one of my coworkers that she was a relative from out-of-town and she was at the airport and needed to get in touch with me because she had lost my phone number. So, here I am standing in front of my girlfriend who I just spent thousands of dollars getting back in my corner, glaring at me with this look of disgust. So I told the girl that this was not acceptable and that she should never call there again and hung up. My girlfriend was beyond pissed. As I’m trying to reassure her that I did not give this girl my phone number and that I was no longer involved with her, the phone rang again. It was her, I picked it up and told her stop calling me and hung up again. It rang again. And again.
My girlfriend, being completely furious at this point, answered the phone and cursed her out. It was a very hostile exchange to say the least. She slammed down the phone and the girl called again. She kept calling and I would pick up the phone and hang it up. I think I lost count around 35 at which point I just unplugged the phone from the wall. My girlfriend did not believe that I was being sincere with her. Needless to say things were not all that cool. The girl continued to call my job when I was at work until my boss told me that I needed to deal with this situation or lose my job. I told her that it was threatening to call the police and I think that kind of scared her little bit because she stopped calling. I worked nights at the time, from midnight to 8 AM. One day after work I was approaching my building only to find that this girl was sitting on my steps. I was livid. She said that she wanted to confront my girlfriend and tell her that she had to go. So we got into a heated argument and as I was trying to get her to leave, she it me on my arm. I have the scar today to prove it. I pushed her away and I told her that I was going to call the police and went upstairs. I did exactly that but when they got there she was gone. My girlfriend never recovered from that and we broke up. So I wanted to share this because I feel sorry for any guy that ends up in a similar situation. As men, we always accused of being dogs but not all of us are like that. I was wrong for even starting that relationship but I tried to do the right thing by ending it before committing myself to my girlfriend. I’m not trying to justify any of that. It was wrong. My advice is never to do that at all but I felt it was important to share the story so that others would be aware that there are women who will go to any links to destroy your happiness if they can’t have you.