The Twilight Zone is real


Let me start this story by explaining that I don’t consider myself to be an attractive person. Average at best but nothing to write home about. What I am about to tell you is going to be hard to believe but every word of it is true.

I think, if memory serves, this started happening to me some decades ago. I was a much better looking guy then, so it didn’t really seem is odd then as it does now. I can remember the very first day that I knew something weird was happening with me. I knew a lot of women just from DJing and hanging out in clubs. Everybody wanted to meet the DJ. So when I would be approached by a random women, I thought that was all there was to it. One night I was going to a club in Brooklyn with a friend of mine. As we walked into the crowd, this woman approached me as soon as I got in the door. She comes to me and she says, you’re the kind of man that I’m looking for. I was taken aback for a second. I was thinking that she was drunk, so I let it slide. Let me emphasize that we had just walked in the club and I had gone maybe 10 feet inside before this happened. She had not seen me until the very first time she opened her mouth. She started pulling on me saying come and dance with me. I said to her, give me a minute I just walked in and I’d  like to have a drink first if you don’t mind. Her response was I’ll be waiting for you over here hurry up. So I pivoted and headed towards the bar thinking okay this is crazy, but considered it over because I was not going back. I ordered  a drink for me and my friend. As soon as I got my glass, I felt someone pulling on my jacket. It was her. She said, are you ready now? So now I’m a little annoyed but rather than be rude I decided to dance with her for at least a song thinking she would leave me alone after. We get out on the dance floor and she starts singing to me how much she loves me. Total time from entry, maybe 15 minutes. She tried to kiss me and was very handsy. She turned her back to me while she was dancing and I walked off the dance floor. My friends ex-wife was there so I went over to talk to her to keep this woman away from me. I told her to pretend that we were together and maybe she would leave me alone. It worked but it took some doing. 

That was the first incident.

The next time I was in a club with coworkers. We had gone there for someone’s birthday. Again, I just walked into the club and over to the bar to get a drink. There was a really attractive Hispanic woman sitting there.  She had on this nice leather skirt with legs to die for. As I ordered my drink, our eyes met, and she said to me, do you think I have nice legs? I replied, was I that obvious? Yes you were, she replied. My husband doesn’t think so. He’s upset with me because I don’t have any stockings on. We had a fight so I came here. She went on to explain that they were at some restaurant and she left him there and she was there by herself. My drink arrived. I took one sip and she leaned over to me and said, take me home. I thought I was hearing things because the music was kind of loud, so I asked her what she just said. She repeated, I want you to take me home. Total time in the club maybe 30 minutes. Let me emphasize this fact, she was smoking hot. So of course me being me of those days, my mind started thinking I need to take advantage of this. I still had my jacket on and she wanted to get her coat and meet me by the door. I had to explain to my friends that I was leaving, wish the person happy birthday and we went downstairs and caught a cab. As this scenario started to unfold, my other brain started kicking in. I was saying to myself this is crazy. This can’t be happening. What if her husband is home? What am I doing? So I asked her if it was safe and she assured me that everything was OK. He can’t disturb us because I have his fucking keys. She rolled down the cab window and threw them out in the street. Total time from club maybe 45 minutes? When we got to her apartment building, the complete insanity of this whole situation really started soaking in. I started to get cold feet. I asked her if she was sure that this was a good idea to which she replied, don’t you want to fuck me? Am I not fuckable? I want to feel like a woman tonight goddamnit. Is that too much to ask? The gauntlet has been thrown, I thought to myself. I can’t punk out now. The respect of all manhood is on the table. 

When we entered her apartment she walked over to the bed, lay down with her clothes on and passed out. So, here I am in a strange woman’s apartment that I did not even know and she’s unconscious on the bed, not to mention that her husband was probably going to be really pissed if he were somehow able to get into the building and upstairs. I felt like the universe was testing me.  I stood there for maybe a minute, took off her shoes and then left the apartment. I never saw her again. 

Fast forward to now. 

Against my better judgment, on New Year’s eve eve, I went to this bar I’d been to a few times. I ran into this woman I’d talked to before. I felt safe because she had always been good company. As I was talking to her I noticed this woman standing behind her that was checking me out. The really weird thing about it was that we were having a conversation about the last time she saw me there. She said she wanted to say hi but I had all these women around me. I literally said the words to her “you know what happens when I coming in here for some reason I get molested” and right on cue the woman behind her made her move. She said, excuse me I don’t want to interrupt but I was admiring your ring. She takes my hand and introduces herself and kissed it. I felt like I was in an episode of the twilight zone. This could not be happening but it was. My friend was giving her the dagger eyes but she was not really protesting because we were just friends. I felt like it was way crazy for her to make that move, especially not knowing who I was talking to. Not to mention that she was smoking hot. No one seeing this would believe that I hadn’t slept with this woman in the past. And here I am straining to hear her name over the blaring music and the crowd noise. I said thank you and tried to recover but my friend, being a little put off, decided to excuse herself, leaving me with this firebomb. She had a very thick Dominican accent. I could barely make out pieces of what she was saying. All I know is that she had a child and she was interested..extremely interested. Odd as this may sound, I was completely turned off. I don’t mind a woman being aggressive but not rude. Secondly she went for boy on the sly. I know this is gonna sound like I’m a prude but I don’t like being felt up if I don’t know you or gave the signal that it’s okay. It makes me feel objectified. I don’t like being treated like an object. I know a lot of women believe that all men follow their dicks like compass needles, but that’s not always the case. 

I know what happens to me isn’t common and I can hardly believe it’s happening myself. I had a conversation about this with a friend of mine sometime ago and she told me it was due to my pheromones. I don’t know if I should believe that or not but it’s the only plausible answer I can think of.  It’s kind a messed up because it interferes with meaningful relationships. Women don’t trust that I’m telling the truth. They think I’m some sort of man-whore. I get it but it’s unfortunate. Like I said before I don’t consider myself an attractive person. At one time in my life I felt completely hideous and wished that women found me attractive. I guess we should all be careful what we wish for.

2 Drops in a Bucket


How are you today mein kinder? This is how my dance teacher in high school used to greet us. It’s odd that I would remember that, but I have been known to retain bits of totally random useless information. Go figure.

The other day 10/21/15 was “Back to the Future Day”. I’m quite sure you’re sick of hearing about it but it struck me that in many cases whenever we have predicted how advanced we as a people will be, we always come up short. This speaks volumes on our perception of ourselves versus the reality of very slow progress. We are capable of way more than is our current situation. Today we could end hunger, poverty, war, pollution, racism, sexism..etc, but there are those in power that use these things to their advantage to stay in power. It makes me wonder if we as a people will survive our own greed.

Anyway..I just wanted to break the silence to reach out and connect I also have a couple of joints I’m working on that I want to share. The first is a combo of 2 tracks, one a house flavored track called “Get it Started”. It’s a little tribute to mi preciosa DJ and Radio host Shelli Diego. The second movement is a little piece I put together called NetFlix and Chill..I’d been hearing that term a lot and decided to try and write some lyrics around it based on the sexual tension of that situation. The other piece is just something that came from being in a situation where many of us have been, being in love with someone that’s involved with someone else that you know is feeling you.

Hope you like them..peace

The stalker


Going back a few posts, I did mention that this blog would be an attempt to share some of the unusual things that have happened to me. I was going through some old pictures I found in a folder online and I came across this one. The story behind it is insane. 

Sometime ago I was dating a woman who is a well known model. I will not give her name. At the time she lived in London. She had a guy who was stalking her. Actually there were quite a few but this one in particular was insane. 

We created a fake Facebook account so that she could interact with me online and get to know things about me and my family without anyone knowing who she really was. Apparently this guy had gotten someone to hack that account. One day we were having a conversation on the phone and I noticed that she was online at the same time. I mentioned this to her and she thought I was crazy. So I sent her an instant message saying something smart like this is me who are you? The person replied, It’s me. So as I’m talking to her on the phone I’m saying to her why are you playing games? She insisted that she was not online, in fact she was not even near a computer. Once it became aware to me that she wasn’t lying I suddenly realized that she had been hacked. So I asked the person again who is this? And the person gave me his real name. I asked him why was he doing this? He said that he wanted to find out “who she was fucking”. She immediately panicked and told me to stop talking to him. He was someone that had been stalking her to a point where she had to get an order of protection. (It’s called something else in the UK but I can’t remember the name of it right now). I ended the conversation after threatening him and then I told her that she should log on as soon as she could and change her password. The only upside was the fact that we used this account just for us, so I was the only person on her friend list. She changed the password and was very upset over what happened. I thought that this would be the end, but it was just the beginning. A couple of days later she texted me a message saying thank you for the gift. I was confused because I hadn’t bought her anything. She thought I was playing games with her and insisted that I stop playing around. I was like, what are you talking about? Apparently she received a gift delivered to her apartment that said it was from me, complete with a card and a receipt that had my name on it. If you look at the picture carefully you will see my name on the bottom of that receipt. This caused me to freak out because then I started wondering if this guy had hacked my account. I spent the next couple of weeks on edge wondering what the fuck would happen next.



Man crushed


I was laying on the couch listening to some old Stevie Wonder songs and today being Monday, a lot of folks participate in this social media theme #MCM or Man Crush Monday. (No luck on that front this way haha) But the combination had me reflecting back asking myself who were my crushes? My mind took me back to an incident that I totally buried until today that I will share.
When I was in high school, there was this girl named Crystal. She was in the music department. I believe she played the clarinet. Anyway, Crystal wasn’t the girl you’d notice at first glance, She wasn’t doe-eyed exotic or voluptuous..the types I’d usually pine for at that age, but she was average I’d say. As a matter of fact, we talked for a while before one day we were having a convo and I took the time to really check her out. She had the most perfect complexion I’d ever seen..milk chocolaty and buttery smooth. There was something about her full lips that just drew me in. I could literally hear myself saying to myself, ah man she’s beautiful. I realized that I was staring and so did she, to the point where she said, Why are you looking at me like that? Is something wrong? To which I replied, no there’s nothing wrong. I just like what I see. Mind you..this was way bold for me. I didn’t even have the time to check myself before the words just came out of my mouth. She just looked at me with this look of incredulity, like are you serious?

A little background is needed here. I was very popular in high school, but exceptionally insecure. I would joke around a lot as a means of deflection and to channel my anxiety at being the center of attention. A lot of girls found me attractive but I hated myself because of negative images put in my head about the typical black man’s features over the years. Whenever anyone would compliment me or say anything about my looks, I would get totally fucked up awkward. I convinced myself they were just saying that out of pity. So that’s why for me to say something like that to someone’s face was way way out of character. She laughed it off but her friend, Evelyn (yes, I’m calling you out too) was like, you go girl! So now we were both miserably embarrassed and changed the subject. It wouldn’t end there though.
Not too much longer after that, one day Crystal comes to tell me that she’s leaving PA (Performing Arts) and going to another school. I was fucking crushed. It was like my heart beat one big thump and then my soul left my body. I can remember us standing there in mutual disbelief of the power of that moment looking at each other in the hallway. I felt betrayed in some way. We weren’t dating or anything but it felt to me like abandonment. I struggled with those feelings for a bit and then I finally got the nerve to ask for her phone number. You see, I could tell that she liked me but was unsure how far to let it go. There were many rumors about me with girls, a lot was just talk. I had admirers but at that time, but nothing was happening with anyone else.
I can’t recall how long it was after that this situation I’m about to describe occurred. It was summer like.
I’d called and made arrangements to come by her house. I remember begging because she was very reluctant to have me over. She was fighting the feeling, I said to myself, and that’s not going to stand in my way. So off I went.
She lived in Harlem, in a housing development. I remember being intimidated that I was heading into another hood that I’d heard so many bad things about. It turned out to be nothing but hype. When I got to her place, I was greeted by her father. He was a huge individual. When he shook my hand, his hand covered my whole hand and part of my wrist. I was like wow, there is NO way I’m gonna go ANYTHING to piss this guy off. I bet if he slapped me, my sneakers would’ve come off. He was on his way to work, so we just exchanged pleasantries and he went out. Her mother was there doing something..not sure, but she was in the kitchen. Crystal was in the process of doing something with her hair. I think they were going out somewhere later, but she her hair was wet and she had a towel covering her head. She invited me into her room to talk, which I was very nervous about but went anyway. She excused herself and then came back in a tee shirt with that towel on her head. She might as well have been an Egyptian goddess. She was talking to me and I got caught again. She said, Darrell what? I’m like what what? She’s said, Why are you staring at me like that? Are you staring at my boobs? Which by the way were extremely visible and her nipples were like doorbell buttons waiting to be rung. At first I tried to restrain my mouth but I was again, caught up in the moment and just said I find you to be irresistible. She was like, stop being so damn cute and came to hug me. Then it happened. We looked at each other and I went in for the kill. I don’t know how long it was but I was completely taken away by how good this kiss felt. I’d never kissed anyone with lips as full as mine but it was incredible. She was enjoying it too. So much so that neither of us heard her mother open the door. All I heard was, Crystal..when you’re done, I want to speak with you, and she closed the door. We were like OMG! OMG! OMG! I immediately started apologizing. I was in a panic. How could I fuck this up so bad on the first move?? Her father is going to destroy me. I have to move to Canada.
It wasn’t over just yet.
She walked out, closing me in her room to confront her mother. I was sitting on her bed in total shock. I could hear them arguing. All I could make out was, get him out of my house. Needing no cue, I got myself together and started to head out. I stepped out, said to her mother, I apologize. I was wrong. I’ve disrespected your home. it was all me. I meant no harm but I will go. Crystal then did the totally unexpected. She said, No..you’re my company. You leave when I say it’s ok to leave. I’m like no no she didn’t..no she did not just nuke her mom in front of me. Realizing that a save was seriously needed in that awkward moment that followed, I said, no..You’re mother is right. I have to go and I headed towards the door, with as much intention as to end this disaster and to save my own life. Crystal then grabs me and says, “You’re not leaving without me”. I felt like I was in a bad dream that would eventually end with me getting shot at this point. Her mother roared back, “You’re not going anywhere”. To which Crystal replied, “Watch me” and proceeded to get her keys and a jacket. I was dumbfounded at this point. I’d never ever ever seen a black girl speak to her mother like that and live. She got her stuff and walked me back to the train station. We talked for a bit. I was so concerned about what was going to happen to Crystal that I would have done anything to make it better. She assured me she’d deal and thanked me for coming. I then said the magic words..I love you. She grabbed my mouth and said, “Don’t say that! Just don’t! Ok??” I was completely lost. She just kissed me and walked away. I called her later and she said she would explain. She agreed to have me come to her new school. There was a show that she was in. So I went.
It was there as we sat in the auditorium that she told me she had a boyfriend, but she liked me as a friend. No sooner than the words came out of her mouth did he show up asking her Is everything ok? She dismissively introduced me as her friend from the other school and he went on. That train ride home was one of the longest of my life..

Catching up


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Chillax

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything of substance.  I’m on the second week of my two week vacation.  It takes at least seven days two relax for me.  So the first week I spent practically doing much of nothing.  I did my lawn, which by the way needs to be done again, and I attempted to clean my house.  I have a few things that I want to do this coming week, but I’m going to play it by ear.  The key to a vacation is to relax.  Most people, including myself at one time, plan vacations and have all of these activities that they want to accomplish.  There’s nothing wrong with that except you don’t get the rest that you should if you’re always worried about an itinerary.  That stress will counteract any relaxation that you have in mind.  My job is extremely stressful. The people that work with are challenging to say the least and I have a lot going on in my personal life that is fucking with my mind.  So I have one objective, unwind.

Christian Mingle Swindle

I thought that I would take the opportunity to discuss random things that have been going through my head over the past few days. I was just watching this commercial on television for the website Christian Mingle.  What a con.  I feel this way for two reasons, the exploitation of people using a web site to make money on their loneliness, and the façade of some spiritual connection.  I have always been one to challenge religious beliefs and customs. A lot of it doesn’t make sense.  Why are there so many religions?  How could they all be right?  Why would a god that wanted people to believe in him be so elusive?  Why is there evil in the world?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why don’t I see in the types of things that occurred in the bible today?  Why can’t anyone prove any of the stuff that is described in the bible?  It would seem to me logically if I were a supreme being and I wanted people to worship me, I would show myself and make it known that I was in control. Even more so, why wouldn’t I just make people behave and save myself some grief?  These are questions that most of us have asked at one time or another but only some will openly admit it.  To me it’s logical to ask those questions.   I have come to a conclusion that religion is a man manufactured form of control.  So putting that on the side let’s look at the larger question,  whether or not there is a supreme being.  When you look at the universe in its complexity and vastness, it’s hard to imagine that the Supreme Being would create all of that for the purpose of putting us here. It would be the equivalent of creating the entire solar system to support an atom.  We are insignificant. It is our own arrogance that places us in a position of relevance. This view is the core of most religious beliefs.  The bible states that god created man in his image.  I believe the reverse is true.  We created the idea of god to fill the need to have an explanation for a universe that we do not understand.  When you look at the amount of knowledge that was available at the time when these scriptures were written, you understand that these people didn’t know much of anything.  Imagine being in a position of religious authority and having the responsibility of explaining the creation of everything. That is a heavy burden.  So they took a little poetic license and came up with what they thought was a bullet proof plan, tell everyone that these ideas are from the creator himself and to question them will lead to horrible things. In essence, use fear and ignorance as a form of control. It was a beautiful plan because it still works after all this time.  So let’s put that on the side.  Does that mean that there is no conscious entity in control of things? That would depend on an understanding of consciousness. Our brains only process a small amount of the information that is part of our environment. The constructs of our thoughts are based on sensory input that is subjective. We are only aware of a small fraction of what is happening at any given moment so our understanding of reality is incomplete.  Here typically one would insert the idea that this proves there is a god and he or she is completely unknowable. Nice try but It doesn’t PROVE anything except the fact that there is more to learn.  I could go on further and further into this discussion but that’s essentially the gist of my point.  I don’t say these things to be insulting, rather as a summation of the facts as I understand them.  I put this disclaimer here because a lot of people have an emotional response when it comes to discussing religion so I tend to stay away from this conversation.  When emotions are involved, logic can go right out of the window.

I completely drifted off of the reason why I was disturbed by this advertisement for that web site.  The point is that religion is used as a tool to manipulate people.  This web site is all about getting your money.  The irony of the whole thing is that it is using a religious pretext with tools developed by science to get that money from you.  Part of the add even states that they are finding god’s match for you.  If god wanted you to meet someone, why would you need a web site?  Wouldn’t it just happen?  This segues into another pet peeve of mine, why does a church need money?  If the church is an instrument of the creator then one would think that it should be self-sustaining.  Why would they need a man-made creation, money, to survive? They need money because it’s all a scam.  It is a ruse to separate you from your money. They convince you that you’re doing something good and responsible, when all you are actually doing is lining someone else’s pocket.  It kind of reminds me of a line from the Star Trek movie. “The Undiscovered Country”, where Captain Kirk asked the creature that claimed to be the creator, “why does god need a space ship?”