Slippin’


I can’t believe it.

Not a single like on my last post….deep. Is this the end of a love affair?? Is it something I said?

So much craziness going on. I don’t even want to go there. I was reading this post on Reddit about how people found out their significant other was cheating on them. I was tempted to drop the story there but I figured I’d share with you. Before I begin, I have to state that this is just one of a few situations where I was cheated on but this was one of the most damaging.

I met this woman online towards the end of my downward spiraling marriage. Thing is, it wasn’t even something that I even took seriously at the time. We met in a chat room. She was going through some shit with her boyfriend. She had 2 kids by him and he was fucking around with some other chick, not coming home, beating on her..all that. She was very articulate, intelligent and not bad looking. Everyone said she looked like Jennifer Connelly (she did). In the beginning it was just a sharing of the souls kind of thing. She lived in Australia and I was all but divorced living a miserable isolated life. It seemed safe because of the distance. We talked for 2 years before we agreed we needed to meet. Being the one with the means, I booked a trip to Hawaii and had her meet me there. We hit it off immediately, like literally at the airport. The whole thing was surreal. Things just progressed from there. I spent time in Australia and she here. It had gotten so serious that we were trying to work out who would move so we could live together.  There was the whole situation with her kids. Their father was being a dick about letting them coming to the states. He had moved and had gotten married. His new wife was also pregnant. So I’m like, what’s the deal? Let it go. I’m not trying to replace him as their father but I would be responsible for them as if they were my own. Sooo..one trip to Australia, we both decided to get tattoos. It was a first for both of us. I got one on my shoulder and she got one on her lower back..a blue dragon. During that trip, her ex was being extremely dickish and pestering. He kept texting her nonsense. It got so bad that we got into a heated argument over it. I was like why are you even responding to him? The kids were at her mom’s so if he needed any info on them, he should call her.. (red flag). Anyway, we patched things up and I proceeded to find a house for us. When she came here, to check it out, I didn’t see the same enthusiasm that she had all along about our future. I chalked it up to having to face the reality of leaving home for real. It wasn’t until she went home that I found out why. One day I was online looking at her Myspace page and I saw comments from him. So I took a look at his page. In his pictures was a shot of her tattoo..taken from her naked body. I fucking lost it. I confronted her with it and she just confessed and said that they’d slept together. I was devastated. Then came the bomb. She was pregnant. If there are levels of done, I was at the ultimate level of completely and utterly done. That shit hurt but in retrospect, I have to consider myself fortunate that it happened when it did. She could have lied and said the kid was mine (he was Black also). I dodged a nuclear bomb to be honest.

Ok so, as usual I will share some music with you. A new tune and remixes of some older takes

 

 

Mirrors…


This is a track that is still in progress that I’ve posted but I wanted to share a little background as to its meaning.

This song represents a dual perspective of a love triangle, that of the guy who is in love with someone who belongs to someone else, and the guy that is in the relationship with the woman who is the object of his affection. It represents the internal struggle of a man who has come to the realization that he must walk away from his feelings of a woman who is taken out of respect even though he sees that she feels the same way. It also represents the lover who sees that his woman is in love with another and becomes aware of his failings. The mirror represents facing the truth about one’s self and accepting the consequences of their actions or inaction.

As with all my songs, this expresses a real life situation that I have faced.

I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the piece

2 Drops in a Bucket


How are you today mein kinder? This is how my dance teacher in high school used to greet us. It’s odd that I would remember that, but I have been known to retain bits of totally random useless information. Go figure.

The other day 10/21/15 was “Back to the Future Day”. I’m quite sure you’re sick of hearing about it but it struck me that in many cases whenever we have predicted how advanced we as a people will be, we always come up short. This speaks volumes on our perception of ourselves versus the reality of very slow progress. We are capable of way more than is our current situation. Today we could end hunger, poverty, war, pollution, racism, sexism..etc, but there are those in power that use these things to their advantage to stay in power. It makes me wonder if we as a people will survive our own greed.

Anyway..I just wanted to break the silence to reach out and connect I also have a couple of joints I’m working on that I want to share. The first is a combo of 2 tracks, one a house flavored track called “Get it Started”. It’s a little tribute to mi preciosa DJ and Radio host Shelli Diego. The second movement is a little piece I put together called NetFlix and Chill..I’d been hearing that term a lot and decided to try and write some lyrics around it based on the sexual tension of that situation. The other piece is just something that came from being in a situation where many of us have been, being in love with someone that’s involved with someone else that you know is feeling you.

Hope you like them..peace

Under Covers..


These are a few cover concepts for a few songs that I wrote. links to the tracks are below each of them.

This first one is from a shot I took of the first thing I saw that morning from my perspective. It was a very bright morning. I lay there thinking how fortunate I was just to be alive and thought I would try to capture that feeling artistically. The result was the song “Shine”

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This is a cover to my song “The Time Traveler’s Blues”. The song itself is about May December relationships..an expression of my own personal experiences with younger women. The struggle between desire and rationality..wondering what the future holds as we all do in relationships. Finding ourselves taking inventory on our lives and the things that we want. Justifying that which you know is doomed to fail..

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Fatal Attractions


I’m posting this as a result of a tweet someone posted about women. She stated that if a woman is still calling and texting your man, that he is still talking to her. That’s not always the case. There are some women that will do anything to ruin your relationship if they can’t have you. This may apply to men as well. If you have any stories about men, I would be glad to hear them but I will explain to you what happened to me.
Admittedly at this time I had a girlfriend and we were thinking about getting serious but I’d met someone else. It was brief and mostly physical but I was pretty upfront with her about what to expect in this relationship. She was okay with it. After a time I felt that it was an unnecessary distraction and needed to stop so I told her that I didn’t want to see her anymore. She was upset to say the least. We were standing on 34th St in New York City. She started crying hysterically and without warning, ran out into traffic and collapsed in the middle of the street. I don’t know if you know what 34th St. in Manhattan is like, but it is extremely busy. She almost caused one of the biggest accidents I’ve ever seen. I had to drag her out of the street and tried to get her to get herself together. She was inconsolable. I walked her to the Path train, for her to go home and she threatened to jump on the tracks. Realizing that she was serious I stayed with her and rode with her to her station. I spent some time talking to her trying to get her to calm down. After about an hour I decided it was time for me to go. As I tried to go through the turnstile, she grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. There were police officers standing right there. They thought this was hilarious and did nothing. This tug-of-war continued until the train arrived. When the doors opened I got on the train she was still holding on to me. Realizing I had to do this, I pushed her away from me as the doors closed. In doing so she ripped open my shirt. I went to sit down and as I was digesting what had just happened to me, a group of religious people came and stood over me and started praying over me. It was surreal to say the least. The next day at work, I got a call from her brother. He told me that she took sleeping pills and tried to kill herself. He threatened my life and hung up. I felt terrible but she was still alive and I considered it a lesson well learned. My focus was on cementing my relationship with my girlfriend and moving on. Realizing that no good would come from hiding any of this, I sat down with my girlfriend and explain to her what I had done. She was understandably upset but I assured her it was over and I would like to move on if she would be okay with that. She was not exactly enthusiastic. I realized that I needed to reset the clock and so I planned a romantic trip for the two of us. I booked a flight to Hawaii and we went for a week. It was a beautiful experience and she had let it all go and we were back in the zone again.
When we returned back to my apartment, I opened the door and the phone rang. I had luggage in my hand so I told my girlfriend to pick up the phone. She turned really pale and said this is for you. I’d never seen her face like that so I knew it was something serious (she was light-skinned Cuban by the way). I took the phone from her and it was the girl that I had broken up with. What was so odd about that was she didn’t have that phone number. It turns out that while I was on vacation, she called my job, which she did have the number to, and convinced one of my coworkers that she was a relative from out-of-town and she was at the airport and needed to get in touch with me because she had lost my phone number. So, here I am standing in front of my girlfriend who I just spent thousands of dollars getting back in my corner, glaring at me with this look of disgust. So I told the girl that this was not acceptable and that she should never call there again and hung up. My girlfriend was beyond pissed. As I’m trying to reassure her that I did not give this girl my phone number and that I was no longer involved with her, the phone rang again. It was her, I picked it up and told her stop calling me and hung up again. It rang again. And again.
My girlfriend, being completely furious at this point, answered the phone and cursed her out. It was a very hostile exchange to say the least. She slammed down the phone and the girl called again. She kept calling and I would pick up the phone and hang it up. I think I lost count around 35 at which point I just unplugged the phone from the wall. My girlfriend did not believe that I was being sincere with her. Needless to say things were not all that cool. The girl continued to call my job when I was at work until my boss told me that I needed to deal with this situation or lose my job. I told her that it was threatening to call the police and I think that kind of scared her little bit because she stopped calling. I worked nights at the time, from midnight to 8 AM. One day after work I was approaching my building only to find that this girl was sitting on my steps. I was livid. She said that she wanted to confront my girlfriend and tell her that she had to go. So we got into a heated argument and as I was trying to get her to leave, she it me on my arm. I have the scar today to prove it. I pushed her away and I told her that I was going to call the police and went upstairs. I did exactly that but when they got there she was gone. My girlfriend never recovered from that and we broke up. So I wanted to share this because I feel sorry for any guy that ends up in a similar situation. As men, we always accused of being dogs but not all of us are like that. I was wrong for even starting that relationship but I tried to do the right thing by ending it before committing myself to my girlfriend. I’m not trying to justify any of that. It was wrong. My advice is never to do that at all but I felt it was important to share the story so that others would be aware that there are women who will go to any links to destroy your happiness if they can’t have you.

Big boys don’t cry…men do


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From the beginning, men are taught to suppress their emotions.  This is partially due to genetics, specifically survival of the species.  Women are conditioned to seek out alpha Males.  Alpha Males were good for hunting and thereby good providers for their offspring.  Aggression, strength, speed and agility are characteristics that make good hunters.  Women are generally more interested in that type of male.  This is why women are more attracted to athletes and also explains why we as a society place so much emphasis on sports.

A good hunter knows how to kill.  To be able to kill requires repression of empathy.  You can’t be squeamish if you are expected to kill in living creature.  This also puts men at conflict with their emotions.  They become obstacles.  Being emotional is considered a weakness, something children do.  Think of how many times you’ve heard or seen someone chastising a little boy saying big boys don’t cry.

All throughout our puberty the emphasis is placed on suppressing your feelings.  We are taught not to cry when disappointed.  Not to react to rejection.  Not to show fear. The problem with this is that these emotions are real and can be intense. This causes men to be at conflict with themselves internally. The body changes chemically, hormones fluctuate rapidly. This is manifest as extreme mood swings and often insecurity.

Irresponsibility and risk taking typically occur during the pubic phase.  The focus is on being a leader not a follower so as to be recognized. To stand out among your peers. You should make your own rules, so existing rules are meant to be broken or subject to your approval. This is the root cause of juvenile delinquency. There is however a flip side to this behavior called “pack mentality”.  Going back to the hunter concept, much like a pack of dogs, hunting in a group yields greater success.  The group becomes a surrogate projection of the individual. As a group, the ideas is to have more power and more control.  This is also the reason behind why you will hear a man refer to his favorite team as “we”.

Biologically, men are driven to procreate, to father as many offspring as he can to ensure that his genetic code survives. This is why when men have sex with a female, they continue to look for other females. Monogamy is a cultural concept which is in direct conflict with this urge. This is not an endorsement of that behavior, just an explanation of its root cause. Women are the caregivers, the nurturers. They are programmed to care for their young. To that end, maintaining a relationship with a strong protective male, increases the odds that their children will be safe, which is why women tend to be more driven to a monogamous relationship once children are involved.

This brings in focus the overall problem that we as a society have in relationships.  Biology vs. culture.  Our behaviors are programmed.  Our cultural behaviors are taught.  Women have difficulty understanding men simply because they are programmed differently. This is also true in reverse.

Men live longer now than they were genetically designed.  After the peak age of 30, the testosterone levels in men starts to decrease.  This introduces a whole host of complications.  Men find themselves in new territory emotionally and physically.  The lower testosterone level makes men less aggressive and more vulnerable to emotions that they are not prepared to handle on that level of intensity. Combined with cultural expectations, this period can be the most difficult for men. This is also the driving factor behind the male “mid-life crisis”.

In summary, we are in a constant battle between our biology and our culture.  Society places great restrictions on the ability of men to express their emotions but as time passes, this will ultimately change.

Pussy Hound – The unwritten laws of boys and fools


I had a convo with my woman. She asked why are men the way they are when it comes to screwing around.

I told her because its expected.  Theres like this rule that guys are supposed to be pussy hounds.

  • Youre supposed to always chase it .
  • If you get it, brag about it.
  • Not have any feelings.
  • Only look out for yourself.
  • Take advantage when u can.
  • Never let a woman control.

When you’re young and trying to fit in with the boys, this behavior is looked up to. Makes you a man. But think about it; how can a person that’s never been a man, know what men are supposed to do? It’s a process that takes a lifetime to learn. So being naive, guys fall into that trap. It’s that simple.

Now this isn’t to say ALL guys are the same way. There are some that are smart enough to say, fuck off and do the right thing; but that can be difficult for some as they have to weigh being ostricized by their peers. This behavior can follow some guys into their adulthood where they then confuse being a man and showing independance with being an asshole to women. You will hear guys go “you’re the man”. Being “the man” is interpreted as being in control. Getting the prize pussy. Mind you, no consideration is taken upon the woman as a person. She’s just a trophy.

The flip side of this are the women that tolerate this behavior and think it’s ok to be passed around and dogged. Somehow they see that as being desirable and sexy. Then they wonder why they get cheated on. Go figure..