Swing an episode..


Clinical depression is very hard to make people understand sometimes. Anyone that suffers from it knows exactly where I’m going. Having to explain that it isn’t “being sad”. That you have no control over what I call “episodes”. I have learned to manage them to a certain degree. During these phases I am especially keen on emotional triggers that can intensify that feeling of dread and emptiness. I find that certain distractions can help. Walks and fresh air help to some degree. I go through this mantra where I repeat in my head that what I am experiencing is not emotion but a reaction to chemical stimuli. That distinction helps me to make it to the other side. It is not foolproof. There are times when I become overwhelmed and I have to let go. It is frightening because I don’t want to get to a place where I want to hurt myself. I’ve been there. Once a very long time ago, I tried to end my life but luckily I was too stupid and just ended up very sick. I have to be conscious of the paths my mind can take. For me it helps to stay present but distracted. Weed helps but I have to be very selective on what I’m smoking. For those of you that don’t know this, not all weed is the same. Some can actually trigger depression. You have to know your body if you’re using weed as therapy. This is why I feel it is imperative that we legalize and make weed available to everyone so that they can educate and identify the strains that are best for them. Orgasms help. They release endorphins that help counteract your imbalance. This is a tough one though. It’s hard to get in the mood for sex or masturbate when you feel like there’s a hole in your soul.

Why am I going on about this? Well, yesterday I was posting some old videos on Instagram that I was unable to publish because of their new copyright policy. I found out that if you just sign that you are not in violation, then they will repost. I’m not trying to profit and I give credit to the artist in my tags so I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Anyway, I found this video I put together when I was feeling particularly emo over missing people that I have lost in my life. I decided to publish it but I was in the beginning phase of an episode and that shit hit me hard. I deleted it but I was triggered and I knew I was in trouble if I couldn’t clear my mind. I decided to knock myself out with a couple of glasses of wine (this is dangerous by the way). I have a low threshold so I knew it wouldn’t take much to get me drowsy. I managed after a few hours to go to sleep but I had fucked up dreams and woke up having slept with my bracelet on. I had my hand under my face and the metal had been pressing on the bone surrounding my eye socket. I was like wtf. That shit hurt. I was still feeling out of it. I tried to front it off but it wasn’t working. I should have taken the day off but I decided to work anyway. Bad move. Plus I was kinda fucked up to people that I care about so that wasn’t helpful either. It’s taken me a whole 24 hours to get where I am now where it’s manageable. I just wanted to share with the hopes that someone else out there might benefit from knowing they are not alone and maybe, just maybe it will strengthen their resolve.

So in the spirit of happy thoughts and appreciation, I have this little video I found that I have posted before..somewhere. It’s a mini tribute to some of my Tweeps that are dear to me.

Are we there yet?


2016 will go down as the year of WTF. Seriously, WTF 2016? I know you’re probably as tired as I am talking about the election but it’s just that incredible. It’s got me literally walking around looking at people asking myself, are you high? We have no choice but to let it play itself out at this point. I’m embarrassed to tell the rest of the world I’m an American right now.

In any case, I hope all is well with you. I wasn’t quite done with the summer yet but fall is upon us now. It’s a favorite time of year for me because of the colors of the foliage. It’s a shame it only lasts for a few weeks. I am not looking forward to winter.

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This was from a week or two ago. The leaves are almost all down now. When the weather is nice it’s really peaceful back here. I have so much work to do for next year. I want to plant some more flowers. I read this article about the disappearing bee population. It turns out that we have been responsible for this (as usual). Bees need a variety of flora. That is how they feed and take care of themselves. We have gotten so into grassy yards, we have practically eliminated all the native species of plants that they thrive on. My goal is to re-populate my yard with many varieties of flowers and things like clover. I’m already the person with the most trees on their property. Most of my neighbors have cleared most of their plots. I don’t get why people don’t realize that trees are vital to our survival and to the ecosystem.

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The down side to having all these trees is the leaf clean up. I’ve already hurt my back from being too aggressive cleaning them up. I sit on my ass way too many hours of the day and I over compensate trying to get exercise by doing yard work. It can be a hassle but it invigorates me.

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I was in the city a few weeks ago on the East Side. I was standing on this corner and for some reason a flood of memories overcame me from all my years I spent growing up there. Just so much of my life was here and now I feel like a tourist. It’s been 17 years since I left NY. A lot has changed. It’s kinda weird going there now because it’s like I know where I am but everything has changed. You don’t really appreciate it while you’re there. It’s gradual and subtle but continuous. It’s not until you’re away for a long time that you really see how different it is. What’s always fascinated me is that there are millions of people here but everyone walks past each other in silence. People only interact if forced to.

When you think about all the politics and bullshit going on in the world, it’s like none of it applies to real life on the street. It’s always been and always will be about people going on about their daily lives. A lot of the shit we go through as a society is the work of a very few people. People generally just want to live in peace.

So I’ve been very touched by the level of appreciation I have been getting across the board for my works. People are enjoying my photos and music. This is very special for me. It feels like I am connecting on another level with people. Being able to express yourself is amazing. I strongly encourage you to do the same regardless of what you feel people may think. Expressing yourself brings you closer to yourself. It forces you to ask the question of who you really are.

I decided to organize some of my music by type. It’s kinda difficult since my mission was to blur the lines between genres, so I decided to break them into groups based on the moods I feel they represent. I’m hoping it will allow people to sample more of my music that they may like. To that end, ┬áhere’s some stuff i collected I hope you will enjoy. Try listening with headphones for the best experience.

Revelation


Hi everybody. It’s been a while since I’ve posted a blog of substance. A lot is going on. Currently I’m on vacation, so I have a little more time to devote to my personal endeavors. The first and foremost being my music. If you look, you will see that I have posted some new tracks recently. Please check them out and hit that like button if you feel so inclined. Seriously though, it’s the only way I know whether or not you are appreciating any of the work that I have done. Your feedback is vital to me because it helps to steer me creatively.
First, let me start off by saying happy holidays, if you are so inclined to celebrate during this time of year. I am an atheist, but I do want to share some positive vibes with you. This may come as a shock to some, but it is something that I have felt for a long time. I know this is offensive or disappointing to some of my family and friends, but I’ve come to this understanding on my own and I’m comfortable with my decision. I hope it doesn’t become a wall between us. It is actually through my lifelong curiosity about religious practices that I have come to this point of understanding. This is the first time that I publicly stated my position. I am doing this is because I want total clarity and honesty between myself and anyone that I interact with. So consider this, for lack of a better phrase, a coming-out party.
A few things have happened to me recently that I wanted to share with you. One of which has to do with the reason I am posting this blog. I have a writer, Ksenia Anske (@kseniaanske), that I follow on Twitter. She is a prolific and enthusiastic tweeter. One day I decided to read her blog. It was one of the best things I’ve done for myself recently. In her blog she discusses the creative process, writing motivation and things of that nature, but what makes it special is the enthusiasm that comes across when you read it. I was inspired by it and it reenergized my drive to express myself. I had come to a place mentally where I had lost interest in posting because I didn’t feel the effort to maintain it was being justified due to the small amount of people that read it. I lost focus on the reason why I posted in the first place. It isn’t about how many people read it, it is about self expression. So I was reenergized as I mentioned before and I am very grateful for that experience. I suggest that you take the time and visit her blog yourself and hopefully you will get something positive out of it as I did. To be honest, what drew me to her was the fact that she resembles my ex-girlfriend. That may be due to the fact that they share a common ancestry, my ex was part Russian and she’s Russian. Hmmm..Come to think of it, they also share that quirky enthusiasm about reading and writing…but let me not drift off of my point, that being, it is profoundly important to give yourself a vehicle for creative expression and to stick with it!
Another one of my followers posted a link to this documentary that she was rather impressed with stating that people are blind that they really need to check out this film. Out of curiosity I asked what was the subject matter? Turns out she was referring to “Zeitgeist”, a documentary that was done in 07 regarding religion, 9/11 and conspiracy theories related to the 9/11 incident. (There are, to my understanding, addendum’s to this original documentary online as well.)
The first section of the documentary deals with the greatest story ever told, also known as the story of Jesus Christ. It goes to show the connections between the writings in the Bible and earlier myths in other cultures. This is something that I was exposed to as a child. I wondered why there were so many similarities between a lot of the things that I had read in Greek and Egyptian mythology and the Christian faith. If one is honest and looks at this with an open mind they will see the connection. This confirmed a lot of the things that I had known already but filled in some of the gaps that I had in my understanding. That was very refreshing.
Getting to the section on the 911 incident. There are some serious questions that need to be answered regarding what happened there. I worked in the Wall Street area for 13 years. I actually saw them building the world trade center. I am not by any stretch of the imagination an engineer but there are certain things that I know, based on the laws of physics, that completely discredit the official explanation of what happened. If you review the footage and the statements of people that were there that day, you will come to the same conclusion that something is not right. Let’s start with building seven. That building was not hit by the plane. It did have fire on two floors but was not touched by either plane. That building collapsed as if it were being destroyed as part of a controlled demolition. The same with both towers. I ask this question, how is that possible? How is it possible that a building that was built to withstand a collision with an airplane, collapsed in a controlled fashion where there was nothing but dust? Just ask yourself, when have you seen an airplane crash into a building and reduce it to powder? I went to the site a couple of days after the incident occurred. There was still stuff smoldering in that pile. Why was that? All I ask you to do is to look at that section of the video with an open mind and try to eliminate the questions that have been asked. You won’t be able to do it because we have been lied to. I will be the first to admit that I was highly skeptical when I heard that people were suggesting that there was some sort of conspiracy involved with respect to 9/11. Conspiracies tend to emerge after major incidents but that does not mean we should completely dismiss them. It is the first mission of the conspirator to marginalize the people that have uncovered their deception. Just remember this one simple rule: if things don’t add up something is missing.