I realized something today. It can take a lifetime to understand things that happened to you as a child. It’s like a light suddenly turned on and you sit in stunned amazement at why you didn’t see it before.
This latest series of revleations occurred to me while preparing breakfast. Due to health reasons, I’ve been really focusing on my diet. Trying to eat more fruits. You may be saying to yourself right now, that was a strange curve, but hang in there..
I was musing to myself about grapefruit and why I love them and why they get no respect. I tied it to my Aunt Em. Whenever I would stay at her house, she would always serve a half a grapefruit with breakfast. This was unusual to me in more ways than one. Sitting down at the table having breakfast as a family was not something I was accustomed to at home. Reason being is my mom was a nurse and worked night shift, so she’d be passed out while I was in the care of my sister. Even that was hit or miss, so I’d become accustomed to getting some cereal and feeding myself. This was normal to me, so having a formal meal was unusual. I was standing in the kitchen saying to myself, wow..all of that came back from just a swig of grapfruit juice..is there more?
I remember my aunt teaching me about the special spoon used to eat them. She would also sprinkle a tiny bit of sugar on them. Something I did for a long time until I learned to appreciate the fruit au naturale. Anywho..as I’m processing this revelation, I suddenly realized that I’d never seen my mom and my aunt together, ever. It was literally like 2 worlds of existence and suddenly a memory burst back into my mind. I recalled the very first time I’d had breakfast with my aunt and how she complained about my ‘lack of training’ and how that made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.
The reason why I’m sharing this is because that feeling of unworthiness followed me throughout the majority of my life, buried deep within my subconscious￼￼. I’m just now figuring that out.