Paradise Lost – conclusion


so where was I? Okay, Niki came here for a while right after I had bought the house. I started noticing something odd about her behavior. It seemed every time we discussed our future plans, she would interject negativity. This was completely uncharacteristic of her up to this point. When I confronted her about her change in attitude, she said that it was due to her concern about the kids. She suddenly wasn’t sure that bringing them here was going to be in their best interest. I couldn’t understand why. Their father really didn’t want anything to do with them except to complain when ever I was around. I had picked the house specifically to accommodate them going to school and having enough free space to play. My instincts were telling me that this was not going to work out. I chalked it up to last-minute jitters and decided to just wait and see what would happen. She went back home.
About a month later I was searching online. I don’t remember what exactly I was looking for but I came across an article that she had posted on the website regarding her relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She posted a comment about how their sex was not the same. When I looked at the date that it was posted it was fairly recent. I then got curious and started looking at his MySpace page. To my shock on his page he had a picture of the tattoo that she got when we were together the last time I was there. You could tell in the picture that she was nude. I completely lost it. When I confronted her about it she confessed that she had been sleeping with him. I think prepare me for the next thing that was coming out of her mouth. She told me she was pregnant and he was the father. I can’t describe how that felt. On one hand I was not completely surprised but on the other hand I was devastated and disappointed. I think anger was the predominant emotion that I experienced. I couldn’t understand how she could have allowed me to get as far as I did in this relationship if she had no intention of following through. Here I was stuck with a big empty house. That experienced changed me fundamentally as a person. In hindsight I see it as a good thing. All kinds of scenarios played through my mind. Imagine if she tried to convince me that the child was mine? I immediately stopped contact with her and decided that I should consider myself fortunate and move on with my life. I don’t regret doing the things I did because I needed that experience. I had liberated myself from two horrific relationships and came out alive. I also learned a lot about myself. I understand now that I was somewhat vulnerable. This is a huge deal because I never ever thought that I was capable of being taken advantage of again.

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