Breaking free

I was married for 11 years. Things deteriorated in the last four years of my marriage to a point where there was almost no communication. We slept in separate rooms for the last year and a half. It was an ugly an uncomfortable situation. There were many factors involved in why that happened. My primary reason was the changing behavior of my ex-wife. She had surgery to remove her ovaries and as a result required hormones. She refused to take anything and as a result her personality changed dramatically. She effectively was going through menopause. She would snap at me for trivial things. We argued a lot. It took some time before I accepted the fact that I needed to do something drastic. I can remember a conversation that I had with a friend of mine. I told her essentially everything about my relationship and how I was miserable. She made it seem so easy when she asked, why don’t you just leave? She said that I should not waste my life being with someone that did not deserve it. I needed to be happy in my life. This may sound pretty obvious but when you’re inside of a failing relationship, and you’re goal is to try to make it work, you tend to forget about yourself. I know so many people in the same situation. My only advice is to let them know that it doesn’t get better. Once you reach the point of complete dissatisfaction with each other, there’s no magic bullet that will take you back to the intensity that you felt when you were dating. At minimum I would try a trial separation to see if that time apart can equalize things, but I wouldn’t put too much confidence in that happening. Experience teaches me that once you do get back together you eventually end up right back where you were when you left. In any case, we had reached a point of no return. I said to my ex-wife that I wanted a divorce and that I would work with her to make it as painless as possible. That didn’t go as well as I planned. I’m explaining that situation to give you a background on the topic of why I am writing this post. It was during that last year that I discovered something about myself that I was completely unaware of. I had become so conditioned to being in that relationship that I had lost all contact with my inner self. During that time I decided to concentrate on things that made me feel better about me. As I said, my ex-wife and I were not talking. Even when we did, we really didn’t have that much in common with respect to the things that I like to do. Our relationship was focused on her objectives more so than mine. I blame myself for allowing that to continue once I saw it was going in that direction but again, it was one of those situations where you’re trying to salvage the relationship at any cost. The relationship becomes bigger than your personal desires. The outward image of maintaining a stable marriage became my focus. As I mentioned before, we slept in separate rooms. My room was a bedroom/office. It was there I spent most of my time online. I was new to online chat. I really had no concept as to the rules of engagement in chat rooms. I was bored so I decided to investigate. At the time yahoo was the big thing. I decided to go into one of the chat rooms looking for advice. That decision would change the course of my life. Initially I would go into the chat room and spectate. That graduated into small conversations. Then I became familiar with what we called “regulars”. These are people who spent considerable time in the chat room. We became friends and shared some very personal details about ourselves. It was okay because it was anonymous. This room was called advice central. Here people would come seeking advice on anything. It was interesting because of the types of questions that people would ask. I would legitimately try to offer advice from my life experience when applicable. It was through this scenario that I met Niki. Nikki was a single mother of two young boys who lived in Australia. She was going through a very difficult time with her children’s father. She had resorted to drinking. He had started getting violent with her. So she would come into the chat room just to talk. Eventually that led to us having private conversations. We connected and I offered as much advice as I could from a distance to her. Things took a dramatic turn when he had been drinking and he attacked her. She had him arrested and he had to move out of the apartment. He took all of the furniture and she, not working, had no way of replacing it. He even took the television from his own children. I thought that was insane and I bought her a replacement and a bed for them to sleep in. We got closer. We connected on many levels. Our conversations got intense and continuous. We spent a lot of time on WebCams talking to each other. I really liked her but the reality of that situation going any further seemed remote because of the distance between us. Then things at home took a turn for the worse. I went to a party for a friend of mine and my ex-wife, thinking I was going to see another woman, decided to try to have me arrested falsely by saying I tried to run over her with my car. That turned into some serious drama. It was a major turning point for me. Realizing that my freedom could be in jeopardy I decided to spend as little time there as possible while we went through the divorce process. It was time for me to take a vacation from work. Nikki and I had discussed meeting during our conversations. Being motivated by the escalation of insanity in my current situation, I decided to put that plan into action. We decided that we would meet at a halfway point between her and myself, which turned out to be Hawaii. I thought long and hard about that decision. I chickened out quite a few times before actually making it happen. I was technically still married but there was no reconciliation happening between us. We agreed that it would just be a trip to meet each other and keep things on the platonic level. She needed to get away from her situation and I needed to get away from mine. I can remember the moment I booked the flight. I said to myself, “I can’t believe I’m doing this”. I bought her ticket and I told her that if for any reason she felt unsure about coming, don’t do it. I booked us a room that had separate bedrooms. We didn’t want this to be a hook up. The day I left I remember sitting at the airport which was fairly empty. It was around 1 AM in the morning when my flight was scheduled to leave. I put on some music that I had on my iPod that she had picked out for me. The first song was by Coldplay, “The Speed of Sound”. That moment was a huge turning point in my life. It was a moment where I had actually gone through with something that I was uncertain of the outcome, but took a chance on happiness. The reason I’m sharing this particular moment with you is because I learned that sometimes you have to step out of the zone of the familiar in order to achieve what you really want in life. Be bold. Take a chance. I will tell you the rest of the story later…



  1. hodgepodge4thesoul

    I’m very glad that I stumbled upon this post-helped me more than you may realize. Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m glad you found love again…


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