The Project


Today was the first time since I moved into this house that I stayed in the bed all day. I was sick during the week and I had to shovel Saturday morning with the cold. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into because for the rest of the day I was done for. I am just thankful that we didn’t suffer any power outages. Actually this storm was not as bad as it could have been here.
As I mentioned before, I spent all day in bed watching television. The reason that is so remarkable is because I hardly ever watch television. Ever since I bought the television I have in my bedroom, I can say that I have watched it less than 50 times and it’s been here for about 2 almost 3 years. The first part of the day I watched the Investigation Discovery channel. They featured stories about women who resorted to violence in their relationships. The show was called “wives with knives”. I actually learned something about relationships from watching that show. I already knew that the relationships we have with our parents and others as we grow up affect the type of person that we seek out. What I learned was something that puzzled me about the motivation for cheating in a relationship. People in relationships that are safe tend to get bored. By safe I mean their partners are doing what is expected of them in a relationship. If a person has low self-esteem issues, they tend to stray because they are looking for that ego boost. Some people are completely incapable of monogamous relationships. When I look back on women that I have gotten involved with, most of them have been very insecure at some point. I would be the safe guy. I would do everything that I thought a partner should do, but they still cheated.
When I was going through my divorce, I started talking to someone online. Our relationship grew very quickly. She was in an on and off relationship with the father of her two children. He was very abusive to her and she resorted to drinking quite a bit. Initially my relationship with her was one of friend and mentor, trying to help her feel more secure about herself. Both of us were emotionally vulnerable. She lived in Australia. My thought was that nothing would ever become of that because of the distance between us. As my ending marriage disintegrated, I got more emboldened and decided that I needed to get away from the stress. During one of our conversations, I half jokingly suggested that we should meet halfway. The halfway point between Australia and here turned out to be Hawaii. Things with my ex-wife were horrible and I was spending a lot of time away from home in hotels and so on. So one day I decided I’d had enough and I would no longer going to allow my situation to be a burden to me. The divorce was imminent so I didn’t consider myself married anymore. It was just a formality. There’s a lot behind that but I won’t go into that right now. I sent her a ticket and met her in Hawaii. Everything was beautiful. We hit it off and decided that we were going to go forward with the relationship. Of course the logistics of her being in Australia and me being in the United States was an issue, but it was not something that was insurmountable. Eventually I got the divorce and moved into a condo. I started flying back and forth to Australia to meet her and she would come here to meet me. During that time we decided we were going to try to make a family. The problem was her two little boys and their father. He was totally against letting them travel to the United States. We worked out a plan that would include her going to school and I wanted to buy another house. I bought the house and she came here to be with me initially. I could sense something was wrong because she kept hedging on making the next step. Her ex had gotten remarried and had a baby on the way. I couldn’t understand what the problem was because he had moved on. Long story short it turns out that she was still seeing him. One day I found out that she had gotten pregnant by him and I was devastated. I’d just bought a house for all of us to live in and all of my plans went down the drain. I never really understood why she would keep going back to him until today. She had low self-esteem issues. Even though she had moved on and had someone new in her life, the failure of her relationship with her babies’ father damaged her ego. I consider myself fortunate. That could have gotten really ugly. On the plus side, I got to travel to a place that I would not have even considered going. Doing that was liberating and it changed who I am as a person today. It is one of the contributing factors to my producing music. As a matter of fact one of the first songs that I produced was entitled “Bitter Suite“. It was my way of releasing the anger that I felt about my situation. The rest is shall we say history. What I take away from all of this is that you can turn a completely negative situation into something positive if you allow yourself to believe that you can.

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